the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
