I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
