She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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