I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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