allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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