lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
