Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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