Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
