Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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