I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
