I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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