Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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