i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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