Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
