I'm lost and stupid without you.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
