Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
