The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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