Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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