you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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