my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
