Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You need Xanax blowdarts
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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