ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
