The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
