You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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