A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
