please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
