my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
