The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
