Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
