Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
