I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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