According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize