So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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