I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize