I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
