Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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