i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
