Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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