Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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