Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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