Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
