Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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