i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize