For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
