The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
