Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
