Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
