my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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