I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
