Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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