Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
