i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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