I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
