bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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