All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
