I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
