Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
