spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
